If only you'd stayed
by Ronniellefan
Summary: ONE-SHOT. Inspired by Ronnie and Glenda's conversation in her flat, and how much Ronnie is thinking of Danielle.


**Ok so I was watching Eastenders on Thursday and felt it was a very emotional episode, so I decided to write a fic about Ronnie's thoughts and stuff throughout the episode. Its just a one-shot so I hope you enjoy it and please review!**

Her mother's flat was clean, cozy and inviting, completely contrasting with the scruffy building it lay in, the musky smell coming up the lift and the rubbish strewn across the door outside. The man she had meet outside, stared at, was obviously a neighbour and Ronnie couldn't quite get he head around the reason why her mother had chosen here, here of all places to live. They had just spoken, had coffee together in the special cups that Glenda had bought, and hadn't broken yet; Ronnie had questioned and persisted in finding out about the baby her mother claimed to have had, the sibling she never knew, the aunt or uncle her daughter never got to meet and never would. A boy - that was what her mother had just said. She'd had a boy. An uncle for her baby, for her daughter. How she wished she could be here with her now.

"A boy?" Ronnie questioned, quite surprised at her mother's reluctance to give out any information, to even tell Ronnie about her brother, as she twisted the ring on her finger, her elbows balancing on the table.

"Ten pounds," Glenda spoke, as she placed her cup down on a coaster, "you can imagine what it was like getting him out!"

Her eyes didn't leave the table, as she processed the words her mother spoke. Ten pounds, that was almost double what Danielle weighed. "Was he healthy?"

"Yes, he was fine," Glenda nodded as she responded to her daughter's questions, albeit a bit reluctant.

Ronnie gently nodded her head, "When was he born?"

"September 12th, Hometon hospital. It was raining," The complete opposite to when Danielle, when her precious baby was born, Ronnie thought. The 26th June, a sweltering hot day, if I could turn back time blasting from the radio; the perfect baby girl laid in her arms, yawning and tightly grabbing onto her mother's finger. "So now you know," Glenda continued before standing up, collecting the cups together, "I would offer you more coffee but I'm meeting a friend later,"

"So this was Amy's uncle?" To which Amy she was referring, Ronnie didn't know. He would have been Danielle's, could have been Danielle's, but he was only an uncle to one niece now, the baby named in honour of her daughter.

"I suppose," Glenda mumbled.

"My brother?" Ronnie said as she stood up, gently stretching her legs out.

"Well, yeah?"

She wondered aimlessly around the flat, looking for some photos, just a single photo of her brother, but she failed; there wasn't a single one. "Have you got any pictures I could see?"

"Not in a frame,"

"Well will he be back later?" Ronnie asked as she made her way back to the table in the center of the living room, leaning her arms on the chair, supporting her weight.

"He doesn't live here," Glenda replied, becoming slightly fed up of all these questions; she understood her daughter's curiosity but was there a need for so many questions?

"So where does he live?" Ronnie was becoming more and more reluctant to believe her mother, she didn't have a photo of her own son, he conveniently didn't live here and Glenda didn't seem as if she really cared about him; not like Ronnie cared about Danielle.

"He has a life of his own," Glenda blatantly spoke, as she attempted to walk into the kitchen and leave her daughter's questions in her head.

Ronnie could see her bluntlness obviously wasn't working so she changed tactics to find about more about her brother, "You know, I haven't asked his name,"

"Daniel,"

Her head was spinning as the words passed through her ears. Daniel? As in the male form of Danielle? The male form of her daughter's precious name? The name that she didn't even dare to say out loud. The name only she could say, the person she could only think of, the person that dominated her whole life and her entire thoughts, the girl she wanted more than anything but the daughter she could never reclaim, "Daniel?"

"Look Veronica I don't want to be rude," Glenda attempted to usher her daughter out of the flat but with no success,

"No, hold on a second, Daniel?" She still couldn't believe this. Daniel?

"After my uncle - lovely man," Glenda sat back down, thinking back to the day when she had first held her son in her arms, when her main thought was not for him to turn out like his father; for him to have morals and respect every person he met, "I thought if I name my boy after him then he wouldn't turn out like his father," Oh how wrong she had been. "He prefers to be called Danny,"

The similarities were raw in Ronnie's mind. Daniel? Danny? Her daughter; Danielle. Dani, that's what Stacey used to call her. She closed her eyes as she pictured her daughter in her mind, she knew her features, the dimples when she smiled, her soft voice, even her smell but it was just a memory, a memory that Ronnie was afraid would one day just disappear and she'd be left with nothing, "I'd like to meet him," She said as she sat down on the chair, leaning back and crossing her arms.

Glenda gently shook her head, "He's away – travelling the world. You know what young men are like,"

Another excuse? Ronnie thought as she slowly nodded her head, "And does he know about me and Roxy?"

Bluntly, Glenda replied, not content with her reply but it was the truth and she had to be honest with Veronica, "He thinks he's an only child,"

Ronnie couldn't believe her ears, "You told him that?"

"I never dreamed I'd see you again…"

Ronnie interrupted, "Well he must have seen pictures of us around the place and wanted to know who we were," The room filled with an eerie silence as Ronnie took in her mother's actions, the guilty look on her face, the avoidment of eye contact and her shifty shuffle in her chair, "You do have pictures of me and Roxy?"

"You have to understand, I had no money, I had a tiny baby, I had to make a new life" Glenda told Ronnie, however painful it was for them to both hear,

"Not a single one?" Her eyes started welling up as she thought about it, breathing deeply. What Ronnie would give to have pictures of her daughter, to see the life she missed out on and desperately needs back.

"It wasn't easy for me walking away from my girls," Avoiding eye contact with her daughter, Glenda fiddled with her fingers on her knee.

"You didn't have to," Ronnie cried, she could never understand why Glenda had left, why she has just abandoned them.

"I did,"

"Why?"

"To give my baby a chance, it was too late for you two" Glenda defended, she had to give her baby a chance in life and there was no way that would have happened with Archie in the picture,

"Too late?"

"Why do we have to rake through all this the past is dead," Just like my baby, my sweet Danielle, Ronnie thought. "Archies dead, lets move on," How could she put it so bluntly, how could Ronnie move on. Her baby was dead, her daughter. She had died in her arms and even now, 10 months later the pain was rawer than ever, her pain, her grief, her guilt. It was all still there, prominent in her thoughts.

"No, I want to know what you meant," Ronnie argued

"We've been though this – what it was like in the house before I left…" Glenda sighed, as they raked over old ground.

"Ok, we may not have been the happiest family in the world, but it wasn't that bad," Ronnie cried out to her mother, why had she just left, "It was normal,"

"Normal? The way your father was with me? The way you girls were with me?" Glenda cried, the family life had been far from normal!

"You didn't have to leave us," Ronnie solemnly spoke, her voice becoming quiet.

"Do you remember the way you use to speak to me Veronica?" She watched as a look of confusion became etched across Ronnie's face. "No, no I'm not surprised you hardly bothered speaking to me at all,"

"That is not true, that was Roxy," Ronnie said the tears becoming evident in her eyes; why couldn't her mother understand?

"I was a speck of dirt on your shoe you both saw how your father treated me and you copied" Glenda spat at Ronnie,

"We were just kids," Ronnie said as she defended herself, she had only been 14 and pregnant.

"I had to look out for my baby,"

Ronnie felt hurt protrude into her heart, a minority compared to what she felt every day over the loss of her daughter, "Wasn't I your baby too?"

"I couldn't let Archie turn on him like he turned on you two!"

"Even though you weren't the only one who was pregnant," Ronnie questioned as she stood up, turning her face away from her mother as she gently wiped away the tears forming in her eyes as she thought back to her helpless baby, "You never asked me what happened when I had my baby," Her baby, her Danielle. She pointed her finger at her mother, despairing at the women in front of her, "He made me give her up, did you know that?" The pain was burning through Ronnie's heart as she spoke. She didn't like speaking about it – about the pain. She only thought about it, thought about her daughter every minute of every day.

Glenda mumbled her voice only just audible, "He did that?"

"Oh yeah, he made me give her up for adoption," The tears began leaking out of her eyes as Ronnie dug up the past, "and then he told me that she had died ,"

"I'm sorry," Glenda whispered, as she sat watching Ronnie, possibly feeling a bit of the pain that her daughter was feeling.

Ronnie took her seat once again, as she pictured once again her daughter in her mind, "Only she hadn't died, she hadn't died, he lied, she died later," She felt the tears burning her eyes, the pain coming back to haunt her, "She came back to find me and he got to her first and he told her that I wasn't interested," Danielle's words were playing in her mind, they always did. Every scared remark that she made, every time she tried to impress Ronnie, even the words she had spoken at the wedding a few hours before she had died. _He's lying Ronnie. He's trying to keep us apart. _Why hadn't she believe her? She was her daughter, her own flesh and blood. "He was lying, he was lying. She was my baby," My baby, my baby. Ronnie had never even had a proper conversation with her daughter, not even got to smoother her daughter in protection and loving words, the word baby been one of the last words she had said to Danielle, "If only I'd know who she was," If only, her whole life was filled with if onlys. She knew that deep down it she had believed Danielle then she would be here with her now, they would be together, mother and daughter, reunited. Ronnie stood up, brushing her hands through her hair, "Why am I even telling you this? I shouldn't be telling you this; you should care enough to ask me,"

"I do care," Glenda shot back at her daughter, as she remained seated, her eyes following Ronnie.

"Really?" Ronnie had a hard time believing that, "Like you cared for me back then? You were my mum!" A mum. _Mum. _The last word Danielle had spoken replayed in her mind, her daughter's scared face and the look of love Ronnie had received from her daughter, "I was pregnant, I was 14 I was terrified and I needed you. I needed you, you were my mum," She felt her voice break, as the tears started to fall down her checks, "But you had your plans, you packed your suitcase and you left. You walked out on me. What kind of person does that make you!?"

They stood staring at each other, neither one daring to speak as the only sound filling the room was Ronnie's heavy breathing. The silence was broken by the ringing of Ronnie's phone. The both remained awkwardly positioned before Glenda raised herself off her chair, "I'm sorry, I er, I..I need to," She removed the cups from the table before she finished her sentence, as Ronnie's phone continued to ring. She reached her hand into her bag and answered it as Glenda went into the kitchen,

"Jack? No, I'm ok. No, No don't come up," Ronnie spoke softly as she answered his questions, not even bothering to look in her mother's direction.

A few minutes later after Ronnie had put the phone down; Glenda reappeared at the door, "Well it's been very nice Veronica,"

Ronnie fished her hand into her bag, her hands clasping around her purse, "Would you like to see a photograph of my daughter?" Her daughter. The only picture she had of her; various copies put up around her house; the same photo in every frame. She wasn't risking anything happening to them,

"A photograph?"

"Yeah, your granddaughter" She carefully opened her purse, her finger running across her daughter's delicate features, the smiling face shining out from the paper, radiating a small bit of happiness into Ronnie; she could never be fully happy though, not without her Danielle,

"Well I…" Glenda tried to excuse herself but couldn't; she was too curious to see what her granddaughter looked like.

"Here she is," Ronnie said as she showed Glenda the only photo she had of her daughter, her heart bursting with pride but hurt at the same time,

"She's very, er, got the fair hair I see," Ronnie felt a lump lodge in her throat, as her arm remained outstretched. The fair hair. _Maybe it's a little baby in there, with blonde hair. _Danielle's words once again rang in her head, a subtle hint her daughter had tried to give her, but failing as she did.

"Take a proper look, go on," She handed it over, wanting her mother to study her beautiful daughter, to realise just how much she made Ronnie miss out on, "Take it,"

Glenda slowly nodded her head, as she passed the purse back over, "Yeah very…very pretty," She remarked, as Ronnie looked at her daughter before gently closing her purse and putting it back in her bag, "Thank you,"

"She died in my arms, did you know that?" Ronnie questioned, as she felt the hurt and fear burn through her heart, the same thing she had felt as she felt her daughter's body become limp in her arms, the colour draining from her face and then finally loosing her daughter…

"No I didn't, she really is very pretty,"

"I only held her twice in her life, I held her the day she was born and the day she died," Ronnie carried on as she felt the tears continue to flow, "When she was born, I didn't want to let her go," neither had she when she was dying in her arms, she just wanted her baby, her daughter, "and maybe if you'd been there mum, maybe I wouldn't have had to let her go, maybe she wouldn't have died and we could all be here together in this room,"

Because that was the only thing Ronnie Mitchell wanted, the only thing she had ever wanted, and now she was gone, gone forever, a memory in Ronnie's heart for always but never quite within reaching distance. The baby, she longed for everyday, and the gaping whole in her heart that could never be repaired, the love she felt for this girl, for her little girl. Her heart was shattering every moment of every minute, beyond repair, she only wanted one thing, one needed one thing, but she couldn't have it. All she needed was Danielle; _her Danielle. _


End file.
